Depression Isn’t Just Sitting in a Dark Room

Depression has a stigma; I must admit it. Especially in the Black and other communities with People of Color (POC). I remember even saying to myself, “I don’t have time to be depressed; I have a kid to raise and work to do.” Then I went through it. It took me a while to realize that it didn’t look like what I thought it did.

The signs for me were more subtle.

It all started with a slow progression in weight gain. In 2005 I was a tight size 8. I loved the way that I looked and enjoyed shopping. I felt like I looked good in my clothes.

This is me at the beginning of my marriage. I had already been through a lot!

Then my ex told me (and his ex-girlfriend) I was too skinny and didn’t have enough hips. At the time, in my head, I was thinking, “Go to hell. I look good to me.” But, unbeknownst to me, I heard it, and I internalized it. So began the weight gain. Somehow it became my mission to look like someone else wanted me to look. At my heaviest, I was 182 pounds; at 5’2”, that was way too much. I began to hate how I looked.

Next was comfort eating. Now mind you, I did not have the awareness that this was going on at the time. I’ve always been a foodie who enjoyed eating and cooking. But my consumption of sweets and my favorite things that “I” cooked increased. When I felt down at night and could not sleep, I would eat some chocolate chip cookies. If I felt down during the day, I would go to my favorite restaurant because I didn’t have to hear about how much I was spending alone. Or worry about how much I was spending. Went I felt alone in between, I snacked on unhealthy things that made me feel better for a short time. I stopped going to work out. I used to go a minimum of 3 times a week.

Me in 2015. I remember this was the first picture I truly felt uncomfortable and fat in.

Sleep eluded me. I wasn’t sleeping. On an average night, I slept about 5 hours a night. I would toss and turn, wake in the middle of the night, or not sleep at all. This insomnia had been going on for several years and was starting to influence how I looked and my effectiveness. When driving during the day, I often nod off…in broad daylight! Praise GOD I am still here and didn’t hurt anyone else during that mess.

A lack of confidence was consuming me. Now those who know and see me think I have it all together. In many ways, I did, but I was losing my ability to manage things as well as I used to. I had all sorts of ideas, expansion plans, and other ways to help people through my business and ministry. I just couldn’t get them off of the ground. I let fear overtake me, even though the Holy Spirit had constantly prompted me to start a group to help other women. I was stressed out, felt like crying all the time, and could not finish anything. I believed I had nothing to offer anyone else because I did not have my life together and lived in a façade.

None of these events separately looked like depression to me. It seemed to me I was just having a bad day, week, or a couple of months. Then what I knew as specific symptoms of depression started to hit me.

I did not leave my room or get out of bed. Do not get it twisted; I was “functioning” then. I got up and went to work, church, networked, Bible study…you name it. But I did nothing when I was at home and had no responsibilities. I stayed in my room, in my bed, all day and all night. I might have come out to eat, but that was it. I would take a shower and get right back in bed. I didn’t clean anything, I didn’t organize anything, and I did nothing else but binge-watch Netflix and Hulu. Everything was on an as needed basis. I only washed when I absolutely needed clothes. I washed dishes when I needed dishes. I never cleaned the bedroom. I hardly cleaned anything. If I didn’t live with my family, I shudder to think what everything would look like.

Faith

Faith returned to me. I got back in God’s word. I had been participating in Bible study every week, attending church every week, and having all kinds of Bible studies on my nightstand. At my moment of realization, I learned that I could not move forward in my life with things the way they were. I cried out to God to comfort me and looked to him for my strength. I started absorbing the word. I started believing it again. I made some changes in my life, and I made some changes in my eating. I removed the 200-pound idol I had placed in my life. He’s somewhere in Texas. At the beginning of the year, doing the Daniel Fast with my church changed my life. This year I did it unto God. Not for something I wanted, not to change someone else, but to show my commitment to God. I internalized the sermons I heard, not just listen because I was supposed to. I valued the healthy changes the fast was making in my body.

Resurrection. God brought ME back, the real me. I remembered that God loved me no matter how I looked, how I felt I failed, or how much I doubted myself. I began to care about how I looked and what I ate. Sometimes I will smile at myself because I am feeling happy. I started yet another business that directly connects to my confidence that is returning to me. I made the Bible a genuine part of my life again. My focus was back on God.

I STARTED COUNSELING. Yes, I know, I’m a counselor; why wasn’t I already going? Because I avoided counseling for some of the same reasons you do. I didn’t want to face the truth about myself, my life, and the idol I had created in it. It went, and it changed my life. I experienced the feeling that others get when they come to me. There is no shame in counseling. Get some help; you are not alone, and the things happening are not just happening to you. I’m here to help. Depression can rear its ugly head in various ways. It is not of God and can be dealt with. Here are some signs of depression. But it is not all-inclusive. As you can see from my story above, it can appear in multiple ways.

According to the Mayo Clinic, the symptoms of depression are:

• Feelings of sadness, tearfulness, emptiness, or hopelessness
• Angry outbursts, irritability, or frustration, even over small matters
• Loss of interest or pleasure in most or all normal activities, such as sex, hobbies, or sports
• Sleep disturbances, including insomnia or sleeping too much
• Tiredness and lack of energy, so even small tasks take extra effort
• Changes in appetite — often reduced appetite and weight loss, but increased cravings for food and weight gain in some
• people
• Anxiety, agitation, or restlessness
• Slowed thinking, speaking, or body movements
• Feelings of worthlessness or guilt, fixating on past failures, or blaming yourself for things that aren’t your responsibility
• Trouble thinking, concentrating, making decisions, and remembering things
• Frequent or recurrent thoughts of death, suicidal thoughts, suicide attempts, or suicide
• Unexplained physical problems, such as back pain or headaches

You can make it through this. I did. Get some help. I’m here. The Volition Collective is here.

Be Blessed,

Dr. Megan

P.S. You can learn more about what I’m doing here!